ENGLAND equalled their all-time annual record of 54 ducks as they collapsed to a humiliating total of 68 all out in the Boxing Day Test in Melbourne.
In only the seventh session of the match, England officially conceded any chance of regaining the Ashes after going 3-0 down in a thoroughly embarrassing defeat.
Quite understandably, all Australian thoughts have already now turned towards completing a fourth whitewash in Ashes history.
Of course, two of those 5-0 whitewashes are within relatively recent memory, coming in the 2006-07 and 2013-14 series.
Meanwhile, the most recent series Down Under in 2017-18 finished 4-0 with England only able to stave off the whitewash on that occasion by securing a draw in the fourth Test in Melbourne thanks to Alastair Cook's unbeaten 244.
The three defeats this time in Brisbane, Adelaide and Melbourne therefore make it 12 losses out of 13 for England in Australia, and four wins and 22 losses out of the 28 matches played there this century.
Remarkably, three of those four England wins came during their spectacularly successful 2010-11 series - and each of those victories, in Adelaide, Melbourne and Sydney, came by an innings.
Back then, England lined up with Cook, captain Andrew Strauss, Jonathan Trott, Kevin Pietersen, Ian Bell, Paul Collingwood and Matt Prior in their top seven.
Cook, in fact, finished the series with an incredible average of 127.66 after scores of 235 not out, 148 and 189.
Then, within a year of that momentous Ashes triumph, England were officially deemed the best team in the world after completing a 4-0 home whitewash of India.
Unfortunately, this current selection has far more similarities with the Nasser Hussain-led team of 1999 which infamously became the worst Test side in the world after a home series defeat to New Zealand.
The year before, in 1998, that record of 54 ducks in a year was set - and yet, that summer, Michael Atherton inspired England to a comeback series win against a strong South Africa side.
As such, this feels far worse - an inescapable trap of repeated humiliating failures displayed almost unashamedly to the extent that the record books constantly need to be on hand for the pundits, commentators and cricket geeks.
It got to the stage this year where, in all honesty, all of the above expected these England flops to reach their duck record of 54 - and Joe Root's men duly obliged.
Resuming on 31-4, England were yet again in a fragile position - but, with their best batsman, Root, still at the crease, it did not seem like it would be a momentous task, even for these hapless tourists, to score the 51 runs required for Australia to have to bat again.
Instead, local hero Scott Boland took 6-7 on debut as England folded again and fell 14 runs short of the Aussies' modest total of 267 despite having had the benefit of two knocks.
Perhaps unsurprisingly, it is the lowest Test total since 1986 to have won a match by an innings, and the eighth-lowest ever.
Yet it is merely the latest - and worst - day in a whole slew of bad days for England in this series.
In the first Test at the Gabba in Brisbane, Root won the toss and opted to bat on a green-top which brought about a predictably rotten outcome.
It all started to go wrong from the very start with Rory Burns bowled first ball to a Mitchell Starc delivery which landed on leg-stump.
Burns's technique was dreadful, falling across to the off-side and exposing his wicket; it really was altogether a horrendous start.
By the end of the first hour, England had also lost captain Root for a duck, and they were eventually rolled over for 147 on the stroke of tea before rain wiped out the last session.
The second day - with the ball - went little better as the English attack struggled for line and length, and were guilty of bowling several no-balls.
Many of the overstepping offences failed to be called by the umpire - but wicket-balls are always checked now and, agonisingly, Stokes reprieved Aussie opener David Warner while he was on just 17.
Warner was also dropped by the forlorn Burns on his way to 94 - while Travis Head (152) and Marnus Labuschagne (74) helped Australia post 425.
Elsewhere, spinner Jack Leach was carted around at almost eight-an-over and taken out of the attack - while Ollie Robinson and Stokes, on his return to cricket after an absence of more than nine months, visibly struggled for fitness.
In the second innings, after the customary loss of two early wickets, the indefatigable Root was joined by Dawid Malan in a partnership of 162.
But their two wickets precipitated another collapse of 8-74 as England fell away from 223-2 to 297 all out, and left Australia with a facile fourth innings target of 20 runs.
The second Test in Adelaide was a day-night encounter and, just like four years ago, it was reported to be a way back into the series for England.
Just like four years ago, though, Australia dominated under the lights, racking up 473-9 declared through the efforts of Labuschagne (103) and talented sandpaper cheat Steve Smith (93).
The absence of Pat Cummins following his close contact with a person who had tested positive COVID-19 meant Smith was temporarily promoted back to his previous role as skipper.
Another Aussie fast-bowler Josh Hazlewood was also absent with a side strain - but the home attack had more than enough for England's batting line-up.
England lost both openers early again and then lost 8-86 to collapse from 150-2 to 236 all out following the wickets of Root and Malan. Rinse and repeat.
Australia were then able to declare for the second time in the match on 230-9 as, with Leach dropped, the tourists' five-man seam attack lacked variation and even struggled against the tail.
Skipper Root eventually took the wickets of Alex Carey and Starc with his off-spin - while Robinson was reduced to bowling a three-over spell of off-breaks.
The rotation policy of bumbling head coach Chris Silverwood was justified on the basis that a well-rested England team would be in prime condition for this Ashes series.
Instead, though, it rather looks as if they make it up as they go along and the sight of Robinson bowling spin was simply another sign of a team in complete disarray.
Set a nominal target of 468 runs for victory, Burns made a gritty 34 but England ended four down at the close of play on day four with Root caught behind off the final ball before stumps.
Jos Buttler (26 off 207 balls) provided some resistance and took the match beyond the tea interval on the final day.
But, just when it looked like his efforts might be enough for England to escape from Adelaide with the most unlikely of draws, he trod on his own stumps to be out hit wicket.
It was another face-palm moment for England - and Australia soon wrapped up another huge victory to go 2-0 up.
In all, this Ashes series was lost within 12 days of playing time. England had spent longer in quarantine on entry to Australia.
For sure then, there are some mitigating factors - spending weeks in a bio-secure bubble to mitigate against COVID-19 is hardly the ideal way to deal with a campaign which has as much intensity as an Ashes series.
Indeed, there is still a chance that this series ends early due to COVID-19, although the outbreak in the England camp has been restricted so far to three coaches and three family members.
Pre-series preparation was also hampered by poor weather in Queensland which washed out the greater part of both inter-squad warm-up matches.
Nevertheless, there is simply no justification for 68 all out, or the fact that the innings was the sixth time in the last four years in which England had failed to score more than 85 in a Test match.
For the record, the other matches came against New Zealand in March 2018 (58 all out in Auckland), the West Indies in January 2019 (77 all out in Barbados), Ireland in July 2019 (85 all out at Lord's), Australia in August 2019 (67 all out at Headingley), and India in January this year (81 all out in Ahmedabad).
Remarkably, two of those matches - against Ireland and Australia - ended in England victories, but the pattern of failure with the bat has been obvious for years.
In fact, no other player introduced to the side since Root made his debut in 2012 has an average over 40.
And, this year in particular, the gap between Root and the rest has reached an embarrassing level.
Skipper Root has compiled a total of 1,708 runs, the third-highest ever total for a calendar year behind only Mohammad Yousuf's tally of 1,788 in 2006 for Pakistan and West Indies legend Sir Vivian Richards's total of 1,710 in 1976.
Despite that, though, England have still managed to be all out for less than 200 in 13 of their 29 innings.
Behind Root, the only other contributions above 400 have come from Burns (530), who was dropped for the third Test, and Extras (412).
England's nine Test defeats in 2021 is a record for any team in a calendar year.
In short, England never really stood a chance in Australia - but the disappointing aspect of the series is that, bar the efforts of Root with the bat and 39-year-old Jimmy Anderson with the ball, the tourists have simply not come close to competing.
There are inevitable questions about the position of Root as captain, and he may not even want to carry on in the role himself if this ends up being another whitewash - although there is no ready-set candidate to step into the breach.
Regardless of that, though, England should dispense of the services of head coach Silverwood with immediate effect since he has now lost the confidence of almost all of the supporters and possibly some of the team.
Silverwood's selection and management of a struggling set of players in various series - and especially this one - has sent the team backwards.
Of course, the problems run deeper than Silverwood - but obvious starting points are the appointment of a fully-competent head coach and the reintroduction of a selector to take the heat off the former.
The structure of the county cricket season definitely needs an overhaul:
Scrap the current format windows so that both red-ball and white-ball cricket is played right across the summer and introduce a far more rigorous assessment of four-day county pitches
The Hundred competition also needs to be scrapped and put down as a costly mistake by the England and Wales Cricket Board (ECB).
Collectively, the ECB now simply needs to accept its failure to cash in fully on the T20 format in the face of the juggernaut that is the Indian Premier League (IPL).
It also needs to accept that there was no need for the introduction of another white-ball competition using a format played nowhere else, especially one which trashed the traditional links between supporters and county teams.
None of the above suggestions would be automatically enough for England to win the Ashes in Australia, of course - but they should help a future squad to compete a little bit better.
At the same time, there needs to be a far greater focus on the coaching of basic batting technique and the temperament required for Test cricket.
The forward-defence will never be a sexy shot in the context of the array of strokes brought into the game by T20 and 50-over cricket.
However, it can look just as spectacular as a ramp shot or a switch-hit when it used against the final ball of the day to save a draw from a losing position.
Patience is a virtue which also can be taught and the expertise of the likes of battlers like Cook and Atherton should be called upon.
Too often in this series, England players have failed to leave the ball on length, and too often they also have fished at deliveries going well wide of off-stump. It has made for agonising viewing.
As it stands, Ashes series in Australia are currently a broken shell of a competition - 5-0, 4-0, 3-0 on the way to 5-0. It all feels like a rather pointless pursuit.
For now, these five-Test thrashings Down Under somehow remain marketable, even in the era of COVID-19.
But for how long will that be the case if nothing changes? And if the oldest rivalry in Test cricket - in many ways still the blue-ribbon event - cannot survive, what does that say for the format as a whole?
In the short term, England are trying to stave off another whitewash not only for their own good but also the good of Test cricket.
Yet it is not at all clear how on earth they can succeed.
➡️ ENGLAND 54 DUCKS OF 2021
6 Rory Burns
5 Ollie Robinson
4 Dom Sibley, Haseeb Hameed, Dan Lawrence, Jonny Bairstow, James Anderson
3 Sam Curran, Stuart Broad
2 Zak Crawley, Jos Buttler, James Bracey, Jack Leach, Jofra Archer, Mark Wood
1 Joe Root, Dawid Malan, Dominic Bess, Moeen Ali, Olly Stone
