Merry Christmas to the Military Wives

THE MILITARY Wives comfortably sealed the coveted Christmas number one spot, the Official Charts Company announced yesterday.

Victory for the wives became inevitable after their charity record 'Wherever You Are' became the fastest-selling single in six years.

Indeed, after two days of last week, it had outsold its nearest rival - 'Cannonball' by X Factor winners Little Mix - by a margin of six to one.

And, in the end, it sold 556,000 copies, which was more than the rest of the top 12 combined.

Little Mix, who were the first ever group to win the ITV competition and who were number one last week, sold 117,000 records in the run-up to Christmas Day.

But the result means for the second time in three years that the X Factor winner has failed to reach number one at Christmas after Joe McElderry finished behind Rage Against The Machine's 'Killing In The Name' in 2009.

In an unfortunate geographical coincidence, the beaten McElderry is from South Shields in Tyne & Wear, and so are two of the four members of Little Mix.

There was nothing more in it than that, though. Indeed, the Military Wives are fully deserving of their number one spot as their record struck the right note with the country at large.

Even the Treasury - at the request of Oliver Colvile, Conservative MP for Plymouth Sutton and Devonport - felt compelled to waive VAT on the sale of the record.

Announcing the decision, Chancellor George Osborne said: "Our armed forces demonstrate incredible commitment to the nation and make sacrifices for all of us.

"The Military Wives Choir is doing a great job of raising money for this hugely worthy cause."

As Mr Osborne notes, proceeds from Wherever You Are were split between two charities, the Royal British Legion and the SSAFA (Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen and Families Association).

And the fact is that the 100-strong choir had a more interesting back-story than, with respect to Little Mix, just another reality television show winner.

Their appearance on the BBC programme The Choir with Gareth Malone culminated in a performance at the Royal Albert Hall, and the lyrics of Wherever You Are were taken from love poems, written between the women and their absent husbands.

Meanwhile, the Little Mix record producers hardly help themselves, releasing 'Cannonball' a week too early with this year's number one actually announced on Christmas Day itself.

But while that at least allowed the Little Mix girls to wake up on Christmas morning in the number one slot, it will be the Military Wives who will deservedly go into the record books.

A Merry Christmas to them, and indeed to all of my readers. More from me in 2012!

Eurovision 2011: Azerbaijan surprise leaves Britain feeling Blue

AZERBAIJAN duo Ell and Nikki upset the odds to win their country a first-ever Eurovision title on Saturday in Duesseldorf's Espirit Arena.

Eldar Gasimov and Nigar Jamal, to give them their proper names, finished on 221 points, winning the contest with three rounds to go.

Great Britain could claim some credit for the Azerbaijani victory with Baku-born Nigar now living in Enfield in North London, but the United Kingdom's own competitor, boyband Blue, finished down in midtable.

Returning entrant Italy - who had not competed since 1997 - did well on its comeback, finishing runners-up on 189 points, four points clear of third-placed Sweden.

And 2004 winner Ukraine was third on 159 points - ahead of Denmark's appeal to the British vote with its group name, A Friend In London.

Remarkably, it was Bosnia-Herzegovina - down in sixth - who picked up the most instances of 12 points (five) in a much more even contest as compared to the previous two years.

In 2009, Norwegian Alexander Rybak smashed the record with 387 points for a margin of 169 over his nearest rival while last year's winner Lena Mayer of Germany was also comfortably clear of second-place.

Lena returned to the Eurovision fold this year - not only performing the opening act, as is custom, but hoping for a double-victory as Germany's entrant again.

Sadly for her, this year's song 'Taken By A Stranger' had none of the catchy bounce of 'Satellite' from last year and Lena was forced to settle for 10th.

That was still one place clear of the representatives from Blue, who proved they could not restore Eurovision glory with their entry, 'I Can'.

In fairness to Duncan James, Lee Ryan, Simon Webbe and Antony Costa, they did better on the scorecard than many recent British acts with the UK having finished bottom three times in the last six years.

But their uninspiring ballad, which had only reached number 16 in the UK Singles Chart, always seemed destined for midtable fodder.

At least the UK had a bright start in the voting. Indeed, the UK were top after two rounds thanks to douze points from Bulgaria - but it proved to be the last maximum of the night for the Blue boys.

There was perhaps some consolation taken from Latvia's five points to the UK in the final round, an award which took the British to a nice, round 100 points.

Inevitably, Ireland's Jedward caught the mood of Eurovision a little better with a raucous performance of their latest single 'Lipstick'.

The popularity in the UK of Jedward - 19-year-old twin brothers John and Edward Grimes - from their role in last year's X Factor was clear as the UK gave Ireland 12 points, a move which was not reciprocated.

The Irish also got maximums from Scandanavian pair Denmark and Sweden, the song having since gone to the number one in the official charts of the latter.

However, it was not enough to give Ireland a seventh crown and the brothers had to settle for 119 points and eighth place, 102 behind winners Azerbaijan.

And so, thanks to the efforts of Ell and Nikki, next year's extravaganza will be held in Baku, at the crossroads of Southeastern Europe and Western Asia. Iran is one of the four countries to border the former Soviet state.

The unusual venue certainly adds an extra element to next year's contest which, thanks to acts like Jedward, remains as fun to watch as ever.


FINAL RESULT
01 AZERBAIJAN - 'Running Scared' by Ell and Nikki 221 points
02 ITALY - 'Madness of Love' by Raphael Gualazzi 189
03 SWEDEN - 'Popular' by Eric Saade 185
04 UKRAINE - 'Angel' by Mika Newton 159
05 DENMARK - 'New Tomorrow' by A Friend In London 134

06 BOSNIA-HERZEGOVINA - 'Love In Rewind' by Dino Merlin 125
07 GREECE - 'Watch My Dance' by Loukas Giorkas feat Stereo Mike 120
08 IRELAND - 'Lipstick' by Jedward 119
09 GEORGIA - 'One More Day' by Eldrine 110
10 GERMANY - 'Taken By A Stranger' by Lena 107

11 UNITED KINGDOM - 'I Can' by Blue 100
12 MOLDOVA - 'So Lucky' by Zdob si Zdib 97
13 SLOVENIA - 'No One' by Maja Keuc 96
14 SERBIA - 'Caroban' by Nina 85
15 FRANCE - 'Sognu' by Amaury Vassili 82

16 RUSSIA - 'Get You' by Alexey Vorobyov 77
17 ROMANIA - 'Change' by Hotel FM 77
18 AUSTRIA - 'The Secret Is Love' by Nadine Beiler 64
19 LITHUANIA - 'C'est ma vie' by Evelina Sasenko 63
20 ICELAND - 'Coming Home' by Sjonni's Friends 61

21 FINLAND - 'Da Da Dam' by Paradise Oskar 57
22 HUNGARY - 'What About My Dreams?' by Kati Wolf 53
23 SPAIN - 'Que me quiten lo bailao' by Lucia Perez 50
24 ESTONIA - 'Rockefeller Street' by Getter Jaani 44
25 SWITZERLAND - 'In Love For A While' by Anna Rossinelli 19

--
Preview
SERBIA, Russia, Switzerland, Georgia, Finland, Iceland, Hungary, Lithuania, Azerbaijan and Greece all qualified in the first semi final at the Espirit Arena in Duesseldorf on Tuesday.

Bosnia-Herzegovina, Austria, Ukraine, Moldova, Sweden, Slovenia, Romania, Estonia and Denmark qualified on Thursday along with six-time winners Ireland who are represented this year by former X Factor contestants Jedward.

The main five broadcasters in the European Broadcasting Union (EBU) - France, Spain, Italy, Germany and the United Kingdom - received an automatic bye to tonight's Final.

The UK is represented by boyband Blue while last year's champion Lena has taken the unusual step of personally defending her crown for Germany. Coverage on BBC1 begins at 8pm.


TONIGHT'S RUNNING ORDER
from the Espirit Arena in Duesseldorf

01 FINLAND - 'Da Da Dam' by Paradise Oskar
02 BOSNIA-HERZEGOVINA - 'Love in Rewind' by Dino Merlin
03 DENMARK - 'New Tomorrow' by A Friend in London
04 LITHUANIA - 'C'est ma vie' by Evelina Sasenko
05 HUNGARY - 'What About My Dreams?' by Kati Wolf
06 IRELAND - 'Lipstick' by Jedward
07 SWEDEN - 'Popular' by Eric Saade
08 ESTONIA - 'Rockefeller Street' by Getter Jaani
09 GREECE - 'Watch My Dance' by Loukas Giorkas feat. Stereo Mike
10 RUSSIA - 'Get You' by Alexey Vorobyov
11 FRANCE - 'Sognu' by Amaury Vassili
12 ITALY - 'Madness of Love' by Raphael Gualazzi
13 SWITZERLAND - 'In Love for a While' by Anna Rossinelli
14 UNITED KINGDOM - 'I Can' by Blue
15 MOLDOVA - 'So Lucky' by Zdob si Zdub
16 GERMANY - 'Taken by a Stranger' by Lena
17 ROMANIA - 'Change' by Hotel FM
18 AUSTRIA - 'The Secret Is Love' by Nadine Beiler
19 AZERBAIJAN - 'Running Scared' by Ell and Nikki
20 SLOVENIA - 'No One' by Maja Keuc
21 ICELAND - 'Coming Home' by Sjonni's Friends
22 SPAIN - 'Que me quiten lo bailao' by Lucia Perez
23 UKRAINE - 'Angel' by Mika Newton
24 SERBIA - 'Caroban' by Nina
25 GEORGIA - 'One More Day' by Eldrine

Brooker grows up and bows out

CHARLIE BROOKER brought down the curtain on 10 years of satirical pessimism and scathing cynicism yesterday by announcing he was leaving his Screen Burn column in the Guardian with immediate effect.

In a sadly somewhat self-gratifying final submission, Brooker gives various reasons for quitting the television review piece. Firstly, he explains that "11 years of essentially rewriting the phrase 'X is an arsehole'... is enough for anyone".

His departure does not stop from using this final article to recall some of finest moments over the years.

These have included hilarious comparisons between Jeremy Kyle and Satan, Alan Sugar and Mrs Tiggywinkle, and - perhaps best of all - Ann Widdecombe's face and "a haunted cave in Poland".

But Brooker now seems regretful of his treatment to certain celebs with his desire to see Jamie Cullum "sealed in a barrel and kicked into the ocean" causing him most guilt.

It is only by reading further, however, that Brooker's real reasoning for quitting starts to become clearer - and even then it is not spelt out in black and white.

He laments the fact that it was not only television presenters on the end of his wrath but, more often, the non-celebrities cast into the public eye through a myriad of reality television shows.

It is not a surprise that Brooker found so much material in reality TV with its "ceaseless parade of instant hate figures, plucked from obscurity and flung onscreen for us all to sneer and point at".

But he now feels that he was a "witless bully" who had fallen "into the trap of writing from the point of view of a cartoon persona".

Perhaps the real reason why Brooker has changed is the fact that he has grown up and fallen in love.

His marriage to former Blue Peter presenter Konnie Huq after a whirlwind romance certainly seems to have softened him up. More pertinently, this is also the same Ms Huq who now fronts the X Factor spin-off show on ITV2.

I guess Brooker simply could not put himself in the hypocritical position of mocking hopeless contestants on X Factor at the same time as his wife puts a comforting arm around them.

He does not mention this reasoning specifically in his final column. Indeed, the closest he comes to admitting he has become too close to the world of television personalities himself, or - as he puts it - "one of 'them'".

Even this admission will come as no surprise to anyone who has followed his more recent television work closely.

Outside of Screen Burn, Brooker was lauded for the way in which he provided examples of dumbing down and exposed short-cuts at the highest levels of television media on his BBC4 show Screenwipe and its current affairs spin-off Newswipe.

However, his most recent television offering, You Have Been Watching, a quiz-show format on Channel 4, did not have the same cult appeal and led to claims from fans in cyber-space that he was losing his edge.

At the end of his final Screen Burn, Brooker attempts to soften the blow to his readers by promising a new column later this year.

But, in a life in which starting a family seems to be the priority, it is hard to see him pulling punches with anything like the same weight.

RATM campaign shows that public no longer cower from Cowell

THE ANNUAL battle for Christmas number one produced a shock of epic proportions as American rap metal act Rage Against The Machine beat X Factor winner Joe McElderry.

RATM's 1992 single 'Killing In The Name' became the first ever download-only Christmas number one, selling over 500,000 copies after an internet campaign.

Joe's song 'The Climb' shifted 50,000 fewer units to leave X Factor creator Simon Cowell feeling "gutted".

By contrast, the leaders of the Facebook campaign, Jon and Tracy Morter, were astounded by their success.

And, after four successive X Factor Christmas number ones, it does indeed make a refreshing change.

In fact, it is more than that.

The success of 'Killing In The Name' means 2009 will be remembered as the year that the Christmas number one race was reclaimed by the public, rather than being predetermined by Mr Cowell and his faceless executives.

It is not as if he could not have seen it coming.

Last year, a similar campaign tried to get Jeff Buckley's version of 'Hallelujah' to the coveted top spot, only for it to lose to Alexandra Burke.

This time, the internet campaign generated more publicity, including a rather controversial airing of the single when RATM appeared on BBC Five Live Breakfast.

Mr Cowell's choice of a little-known song for 18-year-old Joe to sing also appears to have done no favours for the South Shields lad.

But while Joe seemed to accept that he lost a fair fight, Mr Cowell laughably accused the campaigners of acting like a "hate mob" and even compared it to bullying.

Such an evil campaign was this that it raised £65,000 for homeless charity Shelter!

Personally, I bought neither. I was too busy listening to Brit pop when RATM were at their peak in the mid-1990s.

Meanwhile, I have never made a habit of buying the X Factor winner's single.

But, simply for the fact that this was a victory for the 'little man', I was glad of the result. I only wished it had featured Noddy Holder or someone equally as festive instead.

I imagine Mr Cowell will get over his disappointment quickly enough.

Like him, both acts are attached to Sony and, with combined sales of almost one million copies, he will have earned a nice Christmas bonus.

He must also consider that any damage to the X Factor's dominance will have been negligible.

Just last week, the show pulled in more than 19 million viewers, almost unheard of figures outside of England football matches and the occasional soap opera episode.

Make no doubt about it - the X Factor will be back next year and probably stronger than ever.

But the campaigners will also be back to ensure that the Christmas number one is never again a shoo-in for the X Factor winner.