Things haven't gone to plan so far

Thing haven't gone to plan so far

Peter Wood ♦ Winlaton, Gateshead ♦ 2015

And all the things I want in life

They seem slowly to drift away from me

Like grains of sand between my fingers

Like embers from a bonfire suffocated by the cool autumn air

It all feels rather hopeless

And some people have their perfect job

And some people are getting married

And some people are having babies

And some people have all of this

And some people have none of this

And yeah I'm jealous

Yet why should I even try any more

I know I'll never be like them

I throw obstacles in my way

And it's hard to be a happy shiny person

When you're constantly hurdling

And falling

So here I find myself again

Three pints under

Or rather I don't find myself

For I already know that there are no answers

At the bottom of the pint glass

However much I squint

However much I hope sometimes

You see, somebody told me that once

Somebody

Somebody needs to help me sometimes

The scariest thing is

That person is always me

Irresponsible reporting on suicide

THE NEWS of the suicide of much-loved actor and comedian Robin Williams has unsurprisingly generated a huge response from the media over the past couple of days.

A lot of it has been a genuinely heart-warming remembrance of a hugely talented man who played a big part in my childhood for his roles in Mrs Doubtfire, Jumanji, Aladdin and Flubber.

And there were, of course, many, many others.

Williams' greatest success came in his portrayal of a psychiatrist in Good Will Hunting, for which he won an Oscar in 1997 as Best Supporting Actor.

But, while there is much to eulogise about the fine catalogue of work which he has left behind, it is massively disappointing to see the front pages of several of the tabloids this morning have instead focused heavily on the nature of his death.

Worse still, the biggest culprits have shown scant regard for the well-thought-out general advice provided by the Samaritans on the reporting of this sensitive topic.

"Tortured" is the prominent, one-word headline on the front of the Mirror - while the sub-heads carry speculation that money troubles were the trigger for the suicide.

The Daily Mail has reserved the whole of its front page for Williams - but again concerns itself solely with unconfirmed speculation surrounding his passing.

Meanwhile, the Sun and the Daily Star - as well as, surprisingly, the normally more reserved Metro free-sheet - all use dramatic language and describe in some detail exactly how he took his own life.

Even though it really should not matter how he did it - or why he did it.

Indeed, it simply does not matter. For, while journalists are admittedly usually there to explain how or why events have occurred, in this case and other similar ones, reporting the fact that he did it and that it is newsworthy because of his talent really should be enough.

Moreover, beyond the fact that Williams had depression, trying to guess at a trigger at this stage - even if it is a so-called 'educated' guess - is truly nonsensical, and actually not at all classy.

After all, ultimately only he knows exactly what thought processes he was going through.
 
Thankfully, some of the broadsheet newspapers produced some more thoughtful coverage.

The Guardian still dedicates a significant proportion of its front page to Williams - but simply reflects, in classy pictorial form, on his comedic versatility. A tribute from Russell Brand sits neatly below.

A further tribute is posted in the Times pull-out, the T2, a small mention of which is made in the strap-line at the top of the front page just below the masthead.

Credit where it is due, then, to those sensible editors who have perhaps taken a bit of thought before laying out the front of their newspaper.

Now, if only the tabloids would follow suit and end their rather grisly attempts at one-upmanship, determined by sensationalism and nothing more.

From today's evidence, though, there is fat chance of it happening any time soon - and so I'm off to watch Williams as the unforgettable Euphegenia Doubtfire.

You never know, it might just cheer me up.

RIP Robin McLaurin Williams (1951-2014), aged 63. May you never lose your little spark of madness.

Samaritans

08457909090 

Available 24 hours-a-day, 365 days-a-year to provide confidential emotional support for people who are experiencing feelings of distress, despair or suicidal thoughts.

World Snooker: Champion O'Sullivan tames his chimp - and so have I

RONNIE O'SULLIVAN returned to Sheffield this week with a chance of joining Steve Davis and Ray Reardon on six world titles by winning a third successive crown at the Crucible.

Often associated with being an underachiever in his younger days, victory at the end of the 17-day marathon would give O'Sullivan's talent a more deserved standing in the snooker record books.

After all, only Stephen Hendry - who won seven world titles between 1990 and 1999 - would then have more in the modern era.

O'Sullivan, seeded number one as defending champ, began his campaign by beating Finnish qualifier Robin Hull 10-4 on the first day of competition to set up a meeting with Joe Perry in the last 16.

Looking further ahead again, O'Sullivan could play Shaun Murphy or Marco Fu in the quarter finals, but, of course, nothing is for certain in Sheffield where some big names have already dropped out.

Debutant Michael Wasley has caused the biggest stir so far, beating world number two Ding Junhui in a final frame decider.

Ding had been tipped to do well after winning five ranking events this season, the first player to achieve this feat since Hendry in 1990/91.

But his record at the Crucible remains disappointing with only one semi final and one quarter final appearance from his eight attempts.

Four-time champion John Higgins also went out at the first time of asking to compatriot Alan McManus - who, at 43, set up a golden oldie last 16 tie with 44-year-old Dubliner Ken Doherty.

Doherty, champion in 1997, rolled back the years, winning each of the last seven frames of his match to beat number six seed Stuart Bingham 10-5.

Meanwhile, Stephen Maguire was another seed who failed to make it through as, like Ding, he also lost in a final frame in which Welshman Ryan Day was the winner.

By contrast, seeds Mark Selby and Shaun Murphy survived their last frame shootouts against Michael White and Jamie Cope, respectively.

And so, at this early stage, O'Sullivan's odds with all the major bookmakers have actually shortened further so that he is already odds-on to retain his title again. 

Undoubtedly, O'Sullivan will pay no heed to that - but it is often said, with some justification, that his biggest opponent is himself.

Indeed, this is something which he acknowledges in his second autobiography, Running, a title intentionally chosen as it demonstrates how athletics has become his new addiction.

Always a keen runner in his youth, O'Sullivan explains how his regular runs have replaced his previous addictions to drink and drugs, and how they have helped him cope with his troubles away from the table.

These have been numerous - most notably, though, O'Sullivan refers to his breakdown following his father's murder conviction and the painful break-up with the mother of his children.

The latter even forced O'Sullivan into a self-imposed exile immediately after his 2012 triumph - "I couldn't balance work, family and the custody battle, and work had to give".

Incredibly, when he returned after his year out, he won at the Crucible again - but he remains a troubled genius with a genuine love-hate relationship for his sport.

Matters are improving, though - and, while much of this is to do with O'Sullivan's running, it can also be attributed to his work with Dr Steve Peters which began in 2011.

O'Sullivan describes how his psychiatrist has got him on a much more even keel during his matches and tournaments - and, indeed, in life generally - with theories from his book, The Chimp Paradox.

I have not read The Chimp Paradox myself (yet!) but I understand exactly what O'Sullivan means when he explains about the brain having a rational section to it - the human - and emotional, but often highly irrational, section to it - the chimp.

Both are required to make us who we are - the emotional, irrational side can do damaging things but, without it, we would be automatons.

The key to success is to harness them both so that you can more easily accept who you are as a person.

Nevertheless, for sufferers of low self-esteem, like O'Sullivan and myself, this can be really difficult with the chimp regularly chirping ideas of self-doubt.

But, just as O'Sullivan has worked with his therapist to challenge the negative beliefs about himself, I am able more easily to do this myself - or at least find a way of coping with bouts of anxiety and the uncomfortable physical sensations which come with it.

I still get a tight chest and a lump in the throat when I am feeling anxious about something, and I still get this quite regularly for pretty irrational reasons.

However, I have much more ability to prevent this from spiralling into outright panic as it used to.

After all, I know that it is only a surge of adrenaline - and it will pass. And that, once it passes, I am almost always absolutely fine - whether I am at work or with friends or anything, really.

There is still work to be done - in terms of challenging underlying beliefs about myself so that I am more confident, look after myself better, and worry about things less generally.

I am much better than this time last year, though, when I was in a very dark place having given up this blog and been signed off work for two months with - as the doctor's note put it - "emotional exhaustion and extreme anxiety".

O'Sullivan dedicates a chapter in his book to his own various heroes - and it is fair to say that he is a snooker hero of mine.

I love watching him play and especially when he is in full flow like he was in the Masters this year, beating Ricky Walden 6-0 in one match inside an hour's playing time.

I could also watch the sheer perfection of his record fastest maximum break over and over again - and I obviously hope he can produce something like that and win again this week.

Whatever happens, though, I just hope he continues taming his chimp - and I can keep mine in check too! 


FIRST ROUND
Best of 19 frames

	Ronnie O'Sullivan (1)	10-4	Robin Hull
	Joe Perry (16)	10-7	Jamie Burnett
	Shaun Murphy (9)	10-9	Jamie Cope
	Marco Fu (8)	10-7	Martin Gould
	Barry Hawkins (5)	10-4	David Gilbert
	Ricky Walden (12)	10-7	Kyren Wilson
	Mark Davis (13)	5-10	Dominic Dale
	Ding Junhui (4)	9-10	Michael Wasley
	Mark Selby (3)	10-9	Michael White
	Ali Carter (14)	10-8	Xiao Guodong
	John Higgins (11)	7-10	Alan McManus
	Stuart Bingham (6)	5-10	Ken Doherty
	Judd Trump (7)	10-8	Tom Ford
	Stephen Maguire (10)	9-10	Ryan Day
	Mark Allen (15)	10-4	Michael Holt
	Neil Robertson (2)	10-2	Robbie Williams

SECOND ROUND
Best of 25 frames

	Ronnie O'Sullivan (1)	13-11	Joe Perry (16)
	Shaun Murphy (9)	13-8	Marco Fu (8)
	Barry Hawkins (5)	13-11	Ricky Walden (12)
	Dominic Dale	13-4	Michael Wasley
	Mark Selby (3)	13-9	Ali Carter (14)
	Alan McManus	13-8	Ken Doherty
	Judd Trump (7)	13-7	Ryan Day
	Mark Allen (15)	7-13	Neil Robertson (2)

QUARTER FINALS
Best of 25 frames

	Ronnie O'Sullivan (1)	13-3	Shaun Murphy (9)
	Barry Hawkins (5)	13-12	Dominic Dale
	Mark Selby (3)	13-5	Alan McManus
	Judd Trump (7)	11-13	Neil Robertson (2)

SEMI FINALS
Best of 33 frames

	Ronnie O'Sullivan (1)	17-7	Barry Hawkins (5)
	Mark Selby (3)	17-15	Neil Robertson (2)

CENTURY BREAKS (56)
140 Neil Robertson
137 Ricky Walden, Neil Robertson
136 Ding Junhui, Marco Fu, Ronnie O'Sullivan
135 Michael Wasley
134 Stephen Maguire, Barry Hawkins
133 Mark Selby
131 Ronnie O'Sullivan
132 Neil Robertson
130 Ryan Day, Neil Robertson
124 Ronnie O'Sullivan (x2), Marco Fu
118 Ronnie O'Sullivan
117 Ronnie O'Sullivan, Judd Trump
116 Marco Fu
115 Barry Hawkins
113 Ronnie O'Sullivan, Neil Robertson
112 Shaun Murphy, Ricky Walden, Ronnie O'Sullivan
111 Jamie Burnett, John Higgins
110 Ali Carter, Mark Selby
109 Ricky Walden, Marco Fu, Mark Selby
108 Michael Wasley, Ronnie O'Sullivan, Neil Robertson
107 Alan McManus, Ryan Day, Judd Trump
106 Dominic Dale, Ronnie O'Sullivan, Barry Hawkins
104 Barry Hawkins, Mark Selby
103 Michael Wasley, Neil Robertson, Ronnie O'Sullivan
102 Robin Hull, Neil Robertson, Ali Carter, Shaun Murphy, Ronnie O'Sullivan
101 Shaun Murphy, Neil Robertson
100 Neil Robertson

CENTURY MAKERS
12 Ronnie O'Sullivan
10 Neil Robertson
4 Barry Hawkins, Marco Fu, Mark Selby
3 Shaun Murphy, Ricky Walden, Michael Wasley
2 Judd Trump, Ali Carter, Ryan Day
1 Dominic Dale, Alan McManus, Jamie Burnett, Ding Junhui, John Higgins, Robin Hull, Stephen Maguire

The Ashes 2013/14: Trott takes the first step to recovery

ENGLAND batsman Jonathan Trott began the long road to recovery after leaving the Ashes tour in Australia because of a long-standing stress-related condition.

Trott made only 19 runs from two innings in the first Test in Brisbane as he struggled to cope with the short, fast-paced deliveries of Mitchell Johnson.

Of course, he was far from alone in his struggles against man of the match Johnson as England went down to a horrendous 318-run defeat inside four days.

But everyone who is susceptible to mental illness has a tipping point and this was clearly his.

"I don't think it is right that I'm playing knowing that I'm not 100%," said the 32-year-old, who has undoubtedly made the correct choice in returning to the UK to spend some time with his family.

England coach Andy Flower described Trott as having managed his ongoing problems "very successfully" - and indeed he has since his debut in Test cricket in the decisive fifth Test of the 2009 Ashes series.

He began with a bang, scoring a century at the Oval to secure a return of the urn to England, and has remained a permanent fixture in England's Test and one-day teams, scoring 3,763 Test runs at an average of 46.45 and almost 3,000 one-day international runs at 51.25.

Anxiety and depression, though, are no respecters of past achievement or personal status, as previous England cricket internationals Marcus Trescothick and Michael Yardy are well-aware.

Trescothick had to leave the 2005-06 tour of India and the 2006-07 Ashes tour of Australia, and wrote extensively about his issues in his highly-regarded autobiography, Coming Back to Me. Left-arm spinner Yardy, meanwhile, flew home from the 2011 World Cup in India.

Trott has now joined Trescothick and Yardy in making the gut-wrenching decision to leave his team-mates - but he really should not think he has let anyone down. Instead, he should focus on how well he has done to get as far as he did under absolutely immense pressure.

Of course, that pressure only got worse during the course of a caustic first Test at the Gabba where Australia's desperation to begin an Ashes series on the front foot was belied by a rather nasty streak.

Aussie skipper Michael Clarke has even been fined 20% of his match fee for warning last man James Anderson that he was going to have his arm broken.

And, while Clarke defended his side's conduct as "banter" and "part and parcel of the game", sledging - though surely entitled to be inappropriate - is best achieved with some wit and intelligence.

Seemingly, that would be asking too much of the Australians whose coach Darren Lehmann, actually pretty unlikeable in his playing days, has done absolutely nothing to quell the growing tension.

It against this uneasy background, then, that Trott has been battling his demons - and his struggle was undoubtedly made much worse by David Warner's comments.

Warner described the England number three as being "poor and weak" in his dismissals and, though I agreed that he had a point in my match report, it is notable that the England set-up pretty much never bad-mouths an opponent.

Again, the Australians, while they have at last begun to start winning matches once more, have much to learn about winning with good grace.

Hopefully, Trott's departure will not encourage them but rather teach them to keep their gobs shut and take a leaf out of England's book to err on the side of caution.

After all, nobody really knows exactly what is going on in the opposition camp, and there would no doubt even be many within the England team who would not be fully aware at least of the extent of Trott's issues.

Presumably, the team doctors and psychologist would have known - but, ultimately, the decision to go on tour would have been that of Trott himself.

No one can or should blame him for choosing to travel away, especially given a shedload of evidence supporting the idea that he was managing his condition well. While obviously I cannot see inside his mind, his biggest fear was perhaps letting people down.

Please remember also that mental health issues are a lot more common than many people realise.

Statistics suggest that one in four people will experience some kind of mental health problem in the course of a year, and mixed anxiety and depression is the most common disorder in Britain.

I should know. Unfortunately, as previously shown on this very blog, I have also been in that desolate landscape more than once before. The illness completely debilitates you physically as well as mentally.

For, once sensitised by stress, pretty much everything can become a worry. The symptoms of anxiety are many and varied but sufferers will often be hyper-vigilant and study their bodies looking for something seriously wrong to justify the pain.

It is how, for example, I ended up being taken from the Guinness Storehouse exhibition on St Patrick's Day in Dublin this year to the nearby St James Hospital.

I was complaining of feeling faint and nauseous, and of having a racing pulse - but there was actually nothing wrong with me - or nothing serious anyway.

The fact that I had hardly eaten for the previous two days, because of an anxiety-nausea cycle, had left my blood sugar levels stupidly low.

Nevertheless, following a completely wasted night in a hotel room, I still went out to see the magnificent St Patrick's Day Parade... and, yes, actually enjoyed myself, in spite of the rain.

Total recovery takes much longer and requires a variety of remedies, including medication and cognitive-behaviour therapy, which will both presumably be offered to Trott as they were to me.

For now, though, the most important thing for Trott is time - and plenty of it, for there can be no pressure over how long it takes to sort this out.

With time comes desensitisation from the stress and, with a clearer head, a greater understanding of your personal unravelling process.

Once understood, the issues can be more easily solved - but very little can be achieved without having allowed the time to pass for the head to clear.

"Get well soon", though well-meaning, is an ultimately empty gesture when dealing with anxiety and depression. "Just remember your health is most important" is a rather better way of looking at it.

Good luck, Jonathan Trott, and well done already for taking the first steps to recovery.

On second thoughts...

HELLO again. I have decided to write here again; I suppose I just couldn't stay away.

Of course, I elected to stop updating this blog about a month ago with the aim of reducing the amount of unproductive time I spend waste on the internet.

Guess what? It didn't really work. I still spend waste far too much time online - on forums, on Facebook, on the BBC and Guardian news sites... and, ahem, elsewhere.

Indeed, on second thoughts, my blogging was actually a much more positive use of my time on the web - even if I think I did sometimes focus on the quantity over the quality of my posts.

Consequently, I am now returning to the fold and I intend to cover my usual interests with write-ups on politics and the media, football, cricket and other sports.

In addition to all that, though, I would also like to write more articles from a personal perspective about my issues with anxiety and depression.

Obviously, there are many personal matters which I will discuss in therapy that will not be published here. But, if I can perhaps share a few things which are helping me every now and then, my posts may even become half-decent reference points in themselves.

Anyway, this is just a quick post to say it's good to be back, more soon. Oh, and thanks for reading again. :-)